Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Funny jokes, short funny stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, real funny stories, funny jokes, short funny stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, real funny stories.

 


        John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
        The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
        WHAT WAS GOING ON?
        They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
            Jim 06/02/2009

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                Funny Bumper Stickers

                I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
                My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot!
                Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837.
                Rehab is for Quitters.
                I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning.
                An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
                Milk sucks, got beer?
                1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila Floor
                Save a tree; eat a beaver.
                A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that shits behind the couch.
                Does this condom make me look fat?
                If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!
                I need someone really bad, are you really bad?
                I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a good laugh.
                Firefighters: we find them hot, and leave them wet!
                Can I have your number, I'll call you when my dog is in heat.
                Sweet guys open my heart, smart guys open my mind, but only fine guys can open my legs.
                Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so stick it back in.
                    Jim 06/02/2009

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                        Bar Phrases (And Translations)

                        "You get this one, next round is on me."
                        (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

                        "I'll get this one, next round is on you."
                        (Happy hour is about to end...beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)

                        "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
                        (I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

                        "What do you have on tap?"
                        (What's cheap?)

                        "I'll have a glass of house white." (Female)
                        (I'm easy.)

                        "I'll have a glass of house white." (Male)
                        (I'm gay.)

                        "I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Female)
                        (I'm really easy.)

                        "I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Male)
                        (I'm really gay.)

                        "Ever try a body shot?" (Female To Male)
                        (If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)

                        "I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female)
                        (You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

                        "I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male)
                        (I'm horny.)

                        "Excuse me." (Male To Male)
                        (Get the hell out of the way.)

                        "Excuse me." (Male To Female)
                        (I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

                        "Excuse me." (Female To Male)
                        (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

                        "Excuse me." (Female To Female)
                        (Move your fat a**. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker...And get your eyes off my man, or I'll slap you like the "beach" that you are!)
                            Koles 06/02/2009

                              ---- x ----
                                "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
                                If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
                                If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
                                If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
                                If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
                                If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
                                If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
                                If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
                                If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
                                If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
                                If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
                                If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
                                If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
                                If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
                                If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
                                    Koles 06/02/2009

                                      ---- x ----
                                        Things people actually said in court, word for word:

                                        Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
                                        A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

                                        Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
                                        A: Yes.
                                        Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
                                        A: I forget.
                                        Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

                                        Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
                                        A: Oral.

                                        Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
                                        A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
                                        Q: How long has he lived with you?
                                        A: Forty-five years.

                                        Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
                                        A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
                                        Q: And why did that upset you?
                                        A: My name is Susan.

                                        Q: And where was the location of the accident?
                                        A: Approximately milepost 499.
                                        Q: And where is milepost 499?
                                        A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

                                        Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
                                        A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

                                        Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
                                        A: After the accident?
                                        Q: Before the accident.
                                        A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

                                        Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
                                        A: We both do.
                                        Q: Voodoo?
                                        A: We do.
                                        Q: You do?
                                        A: Yes, voodoo.

                                        Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
                                        A: Yes.
                                        Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
                                        A: Yes sir.
                                        Q: What did she say?
                                        A: What disco am I at?

                                        Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

                                        Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

                                        Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

                                        Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

                                        Q: Did he kill you?

                                        Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

                                        Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

                                        Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
                                            Jim 05/06/2009

                                              ---- x ----
                                                The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
                                                "Hello, is this FBI?"
                                                "Yes. What do you want?"
                                                "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
                                                "This will be noted."
                                                Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
                                                The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
                                                    Jim 05/06/2009

                                                      ---- x ----
                                                        Three pregnant women are waiting for their ultrasounds. The first one a brunette says she is certain she will be having a boy. The second a red head says she knows exactly what the brunette means, since she knows she will be having a little girl.
                                                        The third woman a blond looks at them and asks how they can be so sure? They both say they don't know..it was just something they knew at the moment of conception. Maybe, it was the position or something.
                                                        At that moment the first two lasies were called back for their ultrasounds. The blond sat in the waiting room with a mildly worried look on her face.
                                                        After a little time passes, the red head and brunette walk into the waiting room each wearing huge smiles. The blond asked them how it went and they responded, "We were both right!!"
                                                        The blond went pale and squeaked out, "Holy crap, I'm having puppies!
                                                            Email Kat from Fresno, Ca 05/06/2009

                                                              ---- x ----
                                                                One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
                                                                A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
                                                                "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
                                                                "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
                                                                    Andrew 04/21/2009

                                                                      ---- x ----
                                                                        Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'".
                                                                        The Pope replys, "Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible". Sanders says, "How about $7,000?". "Sorry, I cannot", The Pope replys. "$8,000"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, "Well, alright".
                                                                        Later he goes to the cardinals and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread."
                                                                            Koles 04/21/2009

                                                                              ---- x ----
                                                                                The World's Shortest Books
                                                                                --------------------------
                                                                                - "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by
                                                                                O.J. Simpson
                                                                                - The Difference between Reality and
                                                                                Dilbert
                                                                                - Human Rights Advances in China
                                                                                - "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by
                                                                                Dennis Rodman
                                                                                - Al Gore: The Wild Years
                                                                                - Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific
                                                                                Ocean
                                                                                - America's Most Popular Lawyers
                                                                                - Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts
                                                                                Majors
                                                                                - Detroit - A Travel Guide
                                                                                - Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
                                                                                - Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of
                                                                                Motivational Speeches
                                                                                - Easy UNIX
                                                                                - Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
                                                                                - Everything Men Know About Women
                                                                                - Everything Women Know About Men
                                                                                - French Hospitality
                                                                                - "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
                                                                                - George Foreman's Big Book of Baby
                                                                                Names
                                                                                - "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by
                                                                                Art Garfunkel
                                                                                - Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating
                                                                                Etiquette
                                                                                - "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl
                                                                                Recipes" by the EPA
                                                                                - Staple Your Way to Success
                                                                                - The Amish Phone Directory
                                                                                - The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
                                                                                    Jim 04/09/2009

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