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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." Koles 09/11/2008
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it." Jim 09/10/2008
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I'm already here." Jim 09/10/2008
Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are. Jim 09/09/2008
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!". Jim 09/09/2008
An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, "Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!" The man's eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, "And the weather here is always good." A tear begins to form in the man's eye.
St. Peter says, "And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf." A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye.
St. Peter hurriedly says, "And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here." The man is now sniffling.
St. Peter then says, "And you will never have more than two puts on any of the greens." The man is now sobbing uncontrollably.
St. Peter asks, "Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?"
The man answers, "If my wife hadn't fed me all of that healthy food, I would have been here five years earlier!". Jim 09/09/2008
Paddy and Mick were standing at a road junction,they spotted a truck carrying aload of rolled up lawn turf.
Paddy says to Mick "aye thats what I'm going to do when I win the lottery".
Mick says "what's that then Paddy?"
Paddy replies "send my grass away for cutting". HeraldCarrot 09/08/2008
There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back on the island. Jim 09/08/2008
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!" Jim 09/08/2008
This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the Newfie, "You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here."
So the newfie replied, "That sounds good."
So then the Shiek said, "There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of rum, which you have to drink in a half hour."
The newfie replies, "piece of cake."
"In the second tent," the Shiek said, "there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled."
The Newfie replies, "EASY."
"And in the third tent," the Shiek says, "there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured before, and you have to pleasure her."
The Newfie replies, "Not a problem"
So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, "Well, that was easy enough, show me the next tent."
So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent, bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, "NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth pulled" Guron 09/08/2008
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