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blonde jokes
A Blonde Paratrooper makes his first jump.
He was given the following instructions: "once you jumped you need to open your parachute. If it doesn't open, you have a reserve one. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground".
So, he gets on the plane, jumps outside but can't open his parachute. He then tries to open the reserve one, but it deosn't open as well.
"Great", he says to himself, "Now all I need is that the Jeep won't wait for me to make it a real unlucky day". Andrew 03/02/2009
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" Jim 12/19/2008
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries. Jim 12/01/2008
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”
Gloria said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
Alan asked, “Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?”
Gloria replied, “No, just up to my waist.” Jim 11/29/2008
There was a German, an American and a Blonde.
The German said he was the first on Mars.
The American said he was the first on the moon.
The blonde said she would be the first one on the sun. The German and the American laughed. "How are you gonna do that?!" they asked.
The Blond smiled and said "I have a secret... I'll go at night." Guron 11/16/2008
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times." Jim 10/19/2008
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.
"I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."
"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.
"It says you want to sleep with me." said the man.
"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."
"Hmmm," said the man slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..." Jim 10/19/2008
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'" Andrew 10/19/2008
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.' Andrew 09/21/2008
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in- training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?" "Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this." Jim 09/19/2008
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