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On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. |
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. |
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. |
Funny jokes, short funny stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, real funny stories, funny jokes, short funny stories. |
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classic jokes
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Koles 01/10/2008
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!" Koles 01/07/2008
You Know You're in California When...
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal??????? Jim 01/07/2008
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Too much yardage between the goalposts.
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Jim 01/06/2008
Woman: "Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
Man: "No. What?"
Woman: "Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!" Jim 01/02/2008
Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found Colin standing there with no shirt and no shoes or socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said Colin. "I just came in my pants!" Koles 12/30/2007
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." Jim 12/29/2007
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pigmy said: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us." Jim 12/25/2007
Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. Jim 12/19/2007
A Puzzle:
Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
a last name....... Were you thinking of something else? Koles 12/16/2007
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