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classic jokes
Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough. Koles 10/06/2007
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned." Jim 08/28/2007
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!" monkey_one 08/26/2007
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!" Jim 08/22/2007
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent." Jim 08/20/2007
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.
The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.
Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret.
"Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I." Jim 08/18/2007
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'" Andrew 08/17/2007
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!" Guron 08/15/2007
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." Jim 08/14/2007
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!" Jim 08/14/2007
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