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classic jokes
Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.
His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. “Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief”, said Hank, politely. “ but I’ve never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it’s for?”
“It’s for my mother-in-law,” explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he guestered down at the dog and said, “My Doberman here killed her.”
“Gee, that’s terrible, “ commiserated Hank, “ but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?”
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, “get in line!” Koles 07/24/2007
A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.
“Can I come in?” a male voice asks.
“Who is it?” the woman asks.
“It is the blind man” says the voice on the other side of the door.
The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, “Well, he’s blind anyway”.
The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, “Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?” Koles 07/24/2007
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.” Jim 07/23/2007
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”
And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.”
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.”
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then helooked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied, “My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.”
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replied, “In a second.” Jim 07/23/2007
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake Koles 07/19/2007
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.”
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?”
His wife confessed, “Not this time.”
Jim 07/19/2007
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.” Jim 07/18/2007
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, “I’m really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I’ll stay with you for a week”. The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says “OK, OK, if you kiss me, I’ll give you great sex for a week”. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, “Turn me back into a princess and I’ll give you great sex for a whole year!”. The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, “What’s wrong with you? I’ve promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won’t even kiss a frog?”
“I’m a programmer,” he replies. “I don’t have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat.” Jim 07/16/2007
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, “So, where ya`ll from?”
The Northern girl turned her nose up, and said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where ya`ll from, b.tch?” Koles 07/14/2007
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
“I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
“But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.” Jim 07/13/2007
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