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classic jokes
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” Koles 07/13/2007
At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Format C: Return.”
Someone else chimed in,”Yes, Return”
Unfortunately, the software worked. Koles 07/12/2007
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?” Jim 07/11/2007
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”
The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.”
“What was the result?”
“It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!” Jim 07/11/2007
All through the first three years of high school, Mr. Murdock had tried to teach Timothy Bronksy something, anything.
Finally in frustration, Mr. Murdock said; “Timothy, are you ignorant or apathetic.”
To which Timothy replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care.” Jim 07/09/2007
What Women Say --- What They Mean
Yes --- No
No --- Yes
Maybe --- No
I’m sorry. --- You’ll be sorry.
We need --- I want
It’s your decision --- The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want --- You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk --- I need to complain
Sure... go ahead --- I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset --- Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re ... so manly --- You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight --- Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights --- I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient --- I want a new house.
I want new curtains --- and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there --- No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise --- I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? --- I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? --- I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute. --- Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? --- Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. --- Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? --- Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? --- Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! --- Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. Koles 07/09/2007
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,”the young man replied sadly.
“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“I figured that.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Walmart anymore either. Jim 07/08/2007
One seventy year old man says,”I have this problem, I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”
An eighty year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The ninety year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until nine.” Koles 07/06/2007
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say, “ the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?” Jim 07/06/2007
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!” Koles 07/03/2007
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