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classic jokes
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" Koles 01/09/2009
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms." Guron 12/26/2008
A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?".
"My mother died in June", he said, "and left me $10,000".
"Gee, that's tough", he replied.
"Then in July", the driend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000".
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder your'e depressed".
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000".
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad".
"Then this month", continued the friend, "Nothing!". Guron 12/16/2008
Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii". So they stood there arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. They asked the gentelman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii"?
The gentelman said, "Havaii".
So they both looked at each other, and as the gentelman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you".
The gentelman replied and said: "Your'e velcome"! Jim 12/16/2008
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" White Horse... Man 12/10/2008
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone. Jim 11/25/2008
Once upon a time there was an archery contest.
The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...
He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.
Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!
The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!!!
He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!!
finally, a third man in cape lines up in position... He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!!
It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!! Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!! Jim 11/20/2008
One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.
"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".
"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".
So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said.
"Except you're cat. It's dead"!
"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!
"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.
"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.
So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.
"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"! Jim 11/20/2008
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
Betcha can't resist passing it on ;) Andrew 11/20/2008
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture.
Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied. "Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row.
I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!" Jim 11/04/2008
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