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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. |
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. |
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. |
Funny jokes, short funny stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, real funny stories, funny jokes, short funny stories. |
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classic jokes
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.” Jim 04/08/2007
A young executive is working late one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8pm, he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes sir,” said the young executive who turns on the machine, takes the paper from his hand and feeds it in.
“Now,” says his boss, “I just need one copy...” Nat 04/06/2007
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" Jim 03/23/2007
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall. Jim 03/23/2007
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