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Funny jokes, short funny stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, real funny stories, funny jokes, short funny stories. |
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classic jokes
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft Chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Mark'"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Mark" he said.
I replied, "Get lost, Gates, I'm in a meeting." Jim 11/03/2008
A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.
Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.
Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.
The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."
The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."
Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.
The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the old warden replied, "Some people just can't tell a joke." Jim 10/23/2008
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is stretched back smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile across his face. The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated.
The egg says, "Guess we answered that question." Jim 10/21/2008
A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace". The owner was a little peeved,and he called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake,but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations On Your New Location". Koles 10/13/2008
Circle Of Life
At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 10...success is...making your own meals.
At age 12...success is...having friends.
At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is...having sex.
At age 35...success is...having money.
At age 50...success is...having money.
At age 60...success is...having sex.
At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is...having friends.
At age 80...success is...making your own meals.
At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants. Andrew 10/09/2008
Top nine tips to know if you have PMS
9. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
8. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
7. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
6. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
4. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. Jim 10/05/2008
"Boy, I'm scared," Anthony said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" the friend asks.
"It's not that," declared Anthony. "He didn't sign his name!" Jim 09/23/2008
How many honest and caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them. Guron 09/18/2008
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer. Guron 09/18/2008
Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are. Jim 09/09/2008
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