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classic jokes
Men are like a deck of cards....
You need a heart to love them
A Diamond to marry them
A Club to beat them
And a spade to bury the bastards Jim 09/04/2008
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever. Koles 08/24/2008
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. Jim 08/24/2008
Be Politically Correct With Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. Jim 08/17/2008
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..." Jim 08/16/2008
Comparing Men to Dogs
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Jim 08/16/2008
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." Jim 08/16/2008
Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man...
1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? Koles 08/15/2008
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'
Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'
'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.
Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.' Jim 08/11/2008
James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"
Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"
So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.
James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"
Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?" Koles 08/11/2008
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