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A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off!
Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" Jim 08/10/2008
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min. Jim 08/10/2008
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in." Jim 08/08/2008
Female Laws To Live By
The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times. Jim 08/03/2008
Great Reasons To Be A Guy
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" Jim 08/03/2008
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
* A Male's Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. Jim 08/02/2008
Men Are Like
..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.
..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.
..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.
..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are. Jim 07/31/2008
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married. Jim 07/19/2008
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married. Jim 07/19/2008
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN Jim 07/18/2008
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