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Funny jokes, short funny stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, real funny stories, funny jokes, short funny stories. |
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crime jokes
The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells.
He said to the inmate, "I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The prisoner thought a moment and he said, "I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die."
They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. "I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, "Could you PLEASE kill me first?" Andrew 02/24/2009
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively.
"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time." Jim 02/12/2009
Judge ”You say it was an accident that you shot your wife?”.
Defendant:“Yes, your honour. She got in front of my mother – in – law just as I pulled the trigger. Jim 02/09/2009
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?" Jim 02/02/2009
A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'
Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'
Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer.'
Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'
The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'
Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived nextdoor to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!' Koles 01/27/2009
The American ambassador visited the Molvanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.
When he entered he said to the president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared."
So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.
The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."
"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice." Jim 12/19/2008
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?”
The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”
She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?”
Again he went through his tables.
“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her. Jim 11/22/2008
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." Jim 11/11/2008
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and told him: "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".
The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"? Jim 10/27/2008
Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.
The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"
"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you." Jim 10/27/2008
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