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drunk jokes
Funny Bumper Stickers
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot!
Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837.
Rehab is for Quitters.
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Milk sucks, got beer?
1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila Floor
Save a tree; eat a beaver.
A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that shits behind the couch.
Does this condom make me look fat?
If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!
I need someone really bad, are you really bad?
I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a good laugh.
Firefighters: we find them hot, and leave them wet!
Can I have your number, I'll call you when my dog is in heat.
Sweet guys open my heart, smart guys open my mind, but only fine guys can open my legs.
Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so stick it back in. Jim 06/02/2009
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!" Jim 03/31/2009
Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns.
Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her.
He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye," he said, "but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker."
"Alas," cried the widow. "The poor man couldn't swim a stroke."
"The hell he couln't," replied Sullivan, "He got out three times to take a pee!" Koles 03/11/2009
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink." Jim 01/30/2009
Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!" Jim 01/16/2009
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk." Jim 01/12/2009
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning. Honeysun 12/31/2008
A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because...because I've got heartburn."
The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, You have your left breast in the Ashtray!" Andrew 12/23/2008
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.
"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.
"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.
"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.
The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"
"Holy shit!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!" Koles 12/17/2008
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. he's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!" Guron 12/17/2008
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