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family jokes
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb b.tch asking if the coast is clear." Jim 04/09/2009
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Koles 03/20/2009
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" Jim 03/09/2009
A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."
The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." Koles 03/02/2009
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!" Jim 03/02/2009
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!" Jim 02/27/2009
Three men are having conversation about each other's daughters. An Englishman, Scottish and an Irishman.
The Englishman said: "I found a packet of cigarrettes in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she smokes."
But the Scottish said: "Well, that's nothing. I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she drinks."
Then finally the Irishman said: "huh! Consider yourselves lucky. The other day I found a packet of condoms in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even known she has a dick!" Koles 02/25/2009
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!" Jim 02/18/2009
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." Jim 02/17/2009
It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon." Andrew 02/12/2009
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