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history jokes
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. Jim 02/18/2009
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?" Jim 10/11/2008
A short history of medicine:
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. Jim 09/06/2008
Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" "Well, ma'am," the manager explained, "not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul."
"Well, I want him," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."
Hillary laughed.
Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed.
Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed.
Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, "Hi, Bill!" Koles 05/15/2008
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." Jim 05/07/2008
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife. Koles 03/19/2008
Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at night, with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term," Ship High In Transit" which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term. Koles 01/18/2008
Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. 'What's Logic?' asked the first redneck.
The professor replied, 'Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?' 'I sure do,' grinned the redneck. 'Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,' replied the professor. 'That's real good,' the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: 'Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.' Impressed, the redneck shouts 'AMAZIN'!' 'And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.' 'Betty Mae... this is incredible!' (The redneck is catching on.) Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,' says the professor. 'You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class.'
The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting. 'So what classes are ya takin'?' The friend asked. 'Math, History, and Logic,' replies the first redneck. 'What in tarnation is Logic?' asked his new friend. 'Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?' 'No,' his friend replied.
'You're queer, ain't ya?' Jim 10/25/2007
A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.
"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow." Jim 10/06/2007
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with
time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America.
She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in
today's version of the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be about a hundred years old." Koles 08/11/2007
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