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military jokes
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?" Koles 02/24/2009
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” Andrew 02/23/2009
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone. Andrew 01/23/2009
So Chelsi Clinton goes to tour a military base in iraq and wants to find out what a military guy fears the most. When the airman was asked what 3 things he feared most, here was his reply:
"You, Obama, AND YOUR MAMA!" Email Homepage April from PA 01/23/2009
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....
"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out.....
"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....
"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".
The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... "Don't send any more men... it's a trap... there's two of them!"... Jim 12/26/2008
During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."
"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.
A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.
"Yes Sir!" Black answers.
This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!" Jim 12/23/2008
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F**K YOU SIR!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!" Andrew 12/23/2008
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." Jim 12/18/2008
Back during the Clinton presidency days, the president once stepped down from Air force one carrying a pig under each arm.
As he come down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snapped to a salute.
Clinton said, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responded the Marine.
"Now hold on," said Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" said the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explained.
The Marine answered, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!" Jim 12/05/2008
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants." Jim 11/11/2008
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