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money jokes
One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS." Andrew 04/21/2009
Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'".
The Pope replys, "Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible". Sanders says, "How about $7,000?". "Sorry, I cannot", The Pope replys. "$8,000"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, "Well, alright".
Later he goes to the cardinals and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread." Koles 04/21/2009
The World's Shortest Books
--------------------------
- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by
O.J. Simpson
- The Difference between Reality and
Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by
Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific
Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts
Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of
Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby
Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by
Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating
Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl
Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion Jim 04/09/2009
A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT ! Koles 04/07/2009
A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless man, "you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner." Guron 03/25/2009
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.
"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the mini owner interrupted.
"But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.
"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.
"What?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?" Jim 03/17/2009
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"
"No," shouted the man, " this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?" Jim 03/04/2009
A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."
The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." Koles 03/02/2009
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." Adnrew 02/27/2009
Man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bar tender says "What would you like Sir?"
The Man Says "I'll have a pint of beer"
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" .
"That will be £12.65" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"What'll it be today" says the bartender
"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a double whisky" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!"
"That will be £21.95" says the bartender
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender says "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
"Well" says the man "When my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.
It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket"
"That's brilliant" says the bartender "You'll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for?"
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy" GFG 02/20/2009
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