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transport jokes
Funny Bumper Stickers
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot!
Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837.
Rehab is for Quitters.
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Milk sucks, got beer?
1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila Floor
Save a tree; eat a beaver.
A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that shits behind the couch.
Does this condom make me look fat?
If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!
I need someone really bad, are you really bad?
I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a good laugh.
Firefighters: we find them hot, and leave them wet!
Can I have your number, I'll call you when my dog is in heat.
Sweet guys open my heart, smart guys open my mind, but only fine guys can open my legs.
Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so stick it back in. Jim 06/02/2009
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working! Jim 03/27/2009
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.
"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the mini owner interrupted.
"But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.
"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.
"What?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?" Jim 03/17/2009
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles." Koles 02/23/2009
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. Jim 01/29/2009
Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!" Jim 01/16/2009
John went to the store the other day. He was only in there for about five minutes, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So John went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored John and continued writing the ticket. So John called him a stupid idiot. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then John really got angry at the cop. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't care. His car was parked around the corner. Jim 01/15/2009
A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.
"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."
"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.
"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."
"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." Jim 01/14/2009
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOODNESS!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" Koles 01/14/2009
Two people are involved in a collison on the highway. One of them is a women and the other is a man. When they appear in court the man said he had 1 beer to drink, but he was racing a purple dragon. The woman explains that she was being the perfect driver, signaling, not speeding, etc. The man was given 200 hours community service. The woman was arrested for 4 counts of perjury. Stephen Colbert 01/13/2009
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