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wild west jokes
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian." Jim 11/26/2008
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy.
"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much." Guron 08/28/2008
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." Jim 08/01/2008
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!" Guron 05/24/2008
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?" Jim 02/13/2008
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken." Jim 01/03/2008
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day." Jim 11/10/2007
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. Koles 10/28/2007
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, "what the heck, as he says to himself. I really need a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not Into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the Bar calls his Snickers, because it really Satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he'll give him a second to think it over.
The cowboy turns to the man drinking a beer and sitting to his left and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and asks, "So, What do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One. "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink.
Even more shaken by all this the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a damn beer."
The bartender brings a beer and as he begins to pour it he turns to the cowboy with a puzzled look and asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" Jumbo_sky 10/15/2007
At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to piss on our hands." Koles 10/04/2007
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