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wishes jokes
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"
To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!" Koles 03/25/2009
The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells.
He said to the inmate, "I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The prisoner thought a moment and he said, "I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die."
They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. "I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, "Could you PLEASE kill me first?" Andrew 02/24/2009
Man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bar tender says "What would you like Sir?"
The Man Says "I'll have a pint of beer"
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" .
"That will be £12.65" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"What'll it be today" says the bartender
"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a double whisky" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!"
"That will be £21.95" says the bartender
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender says "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
"Well" says the man "When my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.
It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket"
"That's brilliant" says the bartender "You'll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for?"
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy" GFG 02/20/2009
Bear and the rabbit were walking through the forest having an argument. They came across a genie who said they were each allowed three wishes. As the bear was bigger, the genie said he could have his wish first. The bear though about it and said I wish I had a 6 foot penis, which the genie did.
The genie turned to the rabbit and asked what he would like for his first wish, the rabbit said a motorbike helmet. This confused the bear and the genie but his wish was granted.
The rabbit promptly put the helmet on. The genie then turned to the bear and asked what he'd like for his second wish "I'd like all the female bears in the forest to meet me at 7 o'clock tonight. Going through his mind he was thinking "6 foot, loads of women, party!!"
Then the rabbit had his second wish - a motorbike. He sat on the motorbike with his helmet on. The genie then turned round and said "What would you like for your final wish Mr Bear". "All the bears in the forest to be female." His wish was granted. The bear was thinking "Serious party!!"
Finally the genie turned to the rabbit for his final wish. The rabbit replied "I WANT HIM TO BE GAY ", started the motorbike and pissed off. Koles 02/19/2009
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Jim 10/21/2008
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I said, 'No shit.'" Jim 09/15/2008
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"OK", the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"
The Genie shakes his head and says "LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!" Koles 09/11/2008
There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back on the island. Jim 09/08/2008
A guy walks into a bar. He has a huge wad in his pocket, 2 beautiful blondes on either arm, and a little man on his shoulder. The bartender thinks this is odd but figures it would be ok to serve him.
The guy asks if he can buy everyone in the house a drink. The bartender looks at him kinda funny and says, "Sir, I'm gonna have to see some money before I can pour that many drinks." So, the guy reaches into his pocke, pulls out a huge wad of $100 bills, and lays 5 of them on the bar.
The bartender pours all the drinks and just as he has finished the last one, the little man on the guy's shoulder runs down his arm, hops off his hand and knocks every drink over then proceeds back up the man's arm.
So, the man tells the bartender he wants to order everyone in the house a drink. Same exact thing happens again.
For the third time, the man asks to buy the house a round and the bartender looks at him and says, "Brother, do you not realize what is happening here? I can't keep pouring these drinks. Now, what is the deal?"
The man sighs and says, "One day I was walking along the beach when I ran into a bottle. A genie popped out and said he could grant me 3 wishes. The first thing I wished for was a wad of $100 bills that never ended. The second thing I wished for was 2 gorgeous blondes to have for the rest of my life." The bartender says, "Well what was the third thing you wished for?" The man replied, "A 12 inch prick." Guron 09/02/2008
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." Guron 08/25/2008
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